Ask Ranty: Information Gets Cornered

We're not exactly sure what this area is for, but it seems mostly like "useful" information in the guise of stories and opinion.  Pretty much just rearrange that last sentence to fit your expectations.

ambidextry is handy
February 5th 2013 to November 20th 2013

ambidextry is handy*

showering today,
brushing teeth with my right hand,
tried multitasking...

soaping up body,
using left hand daringly,
to reach all places.

soaping up top down,
thought about left armpit next,
chose to postpone it.

soaped up by left, rinsed,
all while right hand brushing teeth,
shower nearly done.

onto left armpit,
left hand attempts soaping it,
biology works!

*yes, i know the normal word that English speaking humans use for this is "ambidexterity".  consider it noted.

[posted Feb 5 2013]

Alcoholics on a Hippopotamus
December 4th 2005 to March 4th 2006
Subject: alcoholics on a hippopotamus
From: fred
To: dirtfarmer

reference picture:

    am i right in thinking that you know your liquors pretty well?
    i am seeking to start a little liquor cabinet, but i would like to stock
it with some good quality products...
    this idea may have to go away if i find that i am a lush.
    if you do know some very tasty varieties of: (1) rum, (2) vodka, (3)
gin, then i would be very pleased to know what you know.
    also feel free to suggest other liquors that might be useful.  i doubt i
will get something like scotch though, since there seem to be about a
thousand "best" varieties and all of them smell and taste like rocket
fuel, which is to say, and i want to be extremely clear in saying this,
that they all taste very bad.  of course taste is an acquired taste, but
i hear that it plans to liquidate and sell the assets.
    so, i appeal to your refined southern culture and skills in gentlemanly
deportment to instruct me in the ways of refined grains and so forth...


Subject: Re: alcoholics on a hippopotamus
From: dirtfarmer
To: fred

    Now there's a question I can get into... 

    Yes, I know my fair share of liquors.  My staple is bourbon.  Bourbon is a
type of whiskey, like scotch, but costs less and tastes better.  It's not
bourbon unless it comes from Kentucky.  Maker's Mark is the one to keep on
hand, or Jack Daniels (although technically not a bourbon because it comes
from Tennessee), or Wild Turkey.  Bourbon is a Southern Gentleman's staple
liquor, it's like keeping milk and butter on hand, okay.  If you want to drink
a fine bourbon neat, or on the rocks, try some Basil Hayden --it is not
particularly strong, but very smooth, so it is good to sip.  The higher proof
bourbons have a strong bite on the palette.  Woodford Reserve is another fave,
a little darker and stronger, but still very smooth.  My favorite bourbon
drink is the Mint Julep.  It requires fresh mint, a simple syrup, and a little
prep time to let the mint oils dissolve in the bourbon before shaking with ice
until the shaker freezes over.  For the best julep, put a sprig or two of mint
standing up in the glass so you have to put your nose in it to drink. 

    Don't bother keeping scotch on hand.  Respond to any request with "Yankee!"
or "No, as a matter of fact, I'm Norse.", or simply "Go Fish!"

    Vodka (as a bourbon drinker, i think mostly all tastes the same).  There
are hints of flavors in the expensive boutique varieties, but you'd be fine
with a bottle of Sky, Absolute, Grey Goose or go for a pretty bottle (it's
allright, they all taste like watered down rubbing alcohol).  I think most
women drink vodka drinks, because it doesn't taste like alcohol in a mixed
drink.  Many standard drinks call for Vodka--bloody marys, sea breeze,
screwdrivers, gimlets...  white russians (kahluah vodka cream over ice).

    Rum.  I prefer (and this isn't an easy one to find, for some reason) Don Q
Cristal.  It is a clear rum from Puerto Rico (i don't like their dark rum,
though).  Mix with coke and lime to make a Cuba Libra.  Aside from that, I
think Bacardi is everyone's standard.  If you like rum, keep clear and dark
rums on hand.  The spiced rums are good, but limit which drinks you can make,
I think, and somehow never end up in my cabinet.  They're best for mulled
cider though.  Of course, so is bourbon. 

    Gin.  I like Tanqueray and Bombay Sapphire.  I'm sure there are others
just as good, I quit drinking gin a while back, I've got beefeater in the
cabinet now.  Gins flavor predominates most of its drinks so it's more
important to get a decent gin, I think.  Don't forget to stock olives and a
small bottle of dry vermouth.  Get individual bottles of tonic water, not a
liter or two liter, it doesn't keep even for an hour.  You'll find a lot of
martini drinkers use vodka instead of gin. 

    Don't forget tequila.  If you don't drink margaritas all the time, get a
good tequila for the wild hair up your ass shot swiggin.  I recommend Tres
Generacions Commemorativo, or Sauza.  Yum!  Also, a margarita with just good
tequila and lime juice with salted rim and splash of Triple Sec or Grand
Marnier are the best.  (Like vermouth, I use triple sec sparingly and don't
get a large bottle.)

    Liquors to keep:

        Triple Sec
        Amaretto (Saronna)
        Amarula (sp?) this is a fairly new cream liquor from Africa.  I
            love it.  Smoother than irish cream. 
        Bitters (angostura?)

    Was this too basic?  Do you want more boutique liquor suggestions?  Do you
already know all these liquors?  Do you really not have a stocked liquor
cabinet?  Are you trying to stock liquors for mixing drinks, or are you gonna
make like Liz Taylor in Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf and guzzle this shit
straight?  Or my mom, who used to like just a sip of something good before

[posted Dec 4 2005]

rabbit sexual orientation party NSFW
March 5th 2006 to November 15th 2006

Rabbit Sexual Orientation Party

(or, in the form of a question, "What's it like to have a pet rabbit who's rutting?")

    so, i just got a rabbit from the pound.  a nearly all-black, lop-eared type.   anyway, she apparently is already trained to use a box.  this is great, since it's super hard to get through to a rabbit about such social niceties as not peeing in the corner.  thus, training has degraded to finding any annoying rabbit habits that i could possibly cure by instructing the rabbit (calmly and without cleavers) about the boundaries of acceptable behavior.
    pretty much the only thing she has been doing that bothers me is how she reacts to the cat; whenever the cat enters the kitchen, the rabbit runs circles around him, and under him, and pretty much acts like she's trying to inspect his genitals with her teeth.  twain the cat isn't really into this, so i've been trying to convince the rabbit that she and the cat can interact in a more peaceful manner.
    after a while of the lagomorph-feline compatibility workshop, the rabbit is still not getting the idea, and i'm starting to realize how similar she's acting to my first rabbit (riboeng); the one that used to chase me around so he could bite my feet and copulate with them (apparently being bitten on the neck turns female rabbits on).
    i started to realize that perhaps cute little zohre the bunny was instead becoming somewhat of an hombre, and that my cat was in danger of becoming the rabbit's bitch.  strangely and fortuitously enough, i still have a stuffed toy rabbit that happens to be an incredible match for a standard dutch rabbit.  after a little foreplay (in which i danced the little toy rabbit around on the ground like it was not quite so stuffed), zohre (the real rabbit) started to get pretty interested.  i retired to the other room to eat my sandwich and watch curiously.
    the cat and i were soon treated to the sight of zohre running circles around the stuffed rabbit in an attempt to get "her" attention.  once zohre was convinced that the rabbit simulacrum wanted him (note that we've confusingly switched genders here), he hopped on back of the trolley and rode downtown.  zohre got so excited that both he and his woman fell over, but i quickly set her back up again so he wouldn't think he had killed her with sex.
    afterwards, the cat and i exchanged amused paternal glances about our little prodigy, and zohre kicked back next to his conquest.  i'm hoping that this newly developed "surrogate brer-wife protocol" will preserve the poor cat's anal virginity and keep my ankles from being bitten for now, by keeping zohre interested in her doppelganger bunny.  at least until their first fight.

[written sometime before august 2000, posted March 5 2006]